totally crawlin'

I just can’t stop kissing you. I wrap my arms around your whole body and hug you tight, trying not to squeeze the breath out of you. You don’t mind. I kiss you so much and so hard I expect you to get pissed but you don’t – yet. I love your cute little sighs, your squeals, your screeches, even. Sometimes you flat out scream at the top of your lungs. You are so soft, warm and cuddly. I could cuddle the crap out of you for hours. Your sweet face looks up at me, eyes wide and blinking. Gah! It kills me. I have to really resist the urge to nibble on you. Papa did once and made you cry hahahaha.

You have figured out how to sit up from the all fours position at some point in the past week. You do it so well, like you’ve known all along. But you haven’t started really crawling on hands and knees yet. You like to pull yourself up, but not quite standing. I’ve seen you even get up on your feet but with your hands still on the floor. You have a bunch of small toys but you are only interested in non-toy things like shoes, the a/c registers, cords, the floor fan, the side table, the remote. You go straight for these things as soon as you can so we are going to put your toys away and get you some new ones and rotate them to keep you interested. I think you are still going to go after the stuff you aren’t supposed to though. I caught you trying to chew on the cord to the fan and there’s no real way to put all these things out of reach so we have to keep a close eye on you, and I may put some bitter spray on the cords to discourage you from chewing on them (just like a puppy!). I wish they made everything wireless.

When I come home from work, you smile so big. If I even walk past you to set my bags down you get upset and start to cry so I have to pick you up immediately and you are happy. Sometimes papa has dinner cooking and we eat. Lately I have been giving you more foods to try. Baby purees don’t seem very good so I always try to have some kind of finger food for you to experiment with. I gave you a taste of chicken pot pie that daddy made. I’ve given you kiwi fruit, bananas, beef stroganoff, and a biscuit. I can tell you want to eat real food and you are getting there but you still have to eat your purees. I had started to make your baby food from scratch with my baby bullet system but mama is too busy to do that all the time and I get a ton of baby food from WIC. I add a pinch of cinnamon to your purees sometimes and you like it. You really liked the mashed cauliflower with turmeric that I made you a while back. I’ll have to try that again.

I don’t think there are very many children who are as loved as you. Every day I hear about kids who have suffered or died at the hands of an adult, usually their own parents, and it breaks my heart. I understand that caring for a baby is difficult, and there were times that your daddy and I thought we would lose our shit. But we kept it together, and I am so glad we did. I know there are going to be many trials ahead, but right now, you are a perfect baby. We love you more than anything in the world. We may be a little over protective and nurturing but we don’t care. It may come back to bite us in the butt but I hope not. We don’t let you cry; we soothe you or do whatever it takes to make you happy again. Sometimes it’s that you want food, a bath, a nap, a different toy, going outside, boob, a dirty diaper, or you just want to be held. Whatever your little heart desires is our command. Our landlord thinks you are a spoiled (brat). She will never be babysitting you so she can think whatever she wants. It may be true, but you are my one and only baby and I don’t think anyone can be over-loved. But trust me; we will do everything in our power to make sure you aren’t really spoiled. You will learn to be kind, compassionate, responsible, considerate & hard-working

Milo

Today a terrible thing happened. Mommy doesn't usually deal with tragedy often but this time is different. One of my December mamas friend got into a car accident and her baby boy who is the same age as you, died. Mommy was deeply deeply saddened. Even papa cried. We held you extra tight and loving this week. We couldn't imagine losing you. We both agree that we wouldn't survive if you left us. Poor baby Milo has taught us valuable life lessons. It's only been a week since he passed but it has seemed like a lifetime. The grief is lightening up for me somewhat, and I hope that Milo's mommy and daddy find comfort soon. I promise I won't forget Milo. Maybe later when I'm not so sad about it I will write better but mama can't find the right words.

heat wave

The weather has been record breaking heat wave for several days. No rain. The plants are wilted every day, even if we watered them. The heat index this weekend was 119. It’s been the hottest ever recorded.

You were incredibly hungry. There are times you aren’t real interested in eating and other times you are so hungry for food you get fussy. Last night you must have been hungry because when I laid you down to sleep and nursed you, you chugged your milk, which is a very unusual feeling. I could hear you gulping fast and feel the milk coming out at a fast pace. I tried not to laugh

I wish you could just poop. I hate seeing you constipated.

You are so much more active at night now. Before you settle down to sleep, you have to squirm, flop over, get on your hands & knees and otherwise flail about like a fish out of water. Sometimes you settle down in a few minutes, sometimes it take a long time and I get frustrated because I don’t have enough milk for you to latch on and off all night. Your papa sometimes has to take over and put you to sleep. You fall asleep for him so well, and he brags about it everytime.

You are scared of the vacuum cleaner now so we have to hold you while doing it.

milk in mah sippy cup

Mama got you a sippy cup with a straw. It just makes more sense. You weren’t handling the training cup very well because you have to tip it towards your face. You took to drinking with a straw very fast and can do it very well now. Papa has even given you Breastmilk in it and he said you sucked it right down.

Papa plays a new game with you in bed. He hides behind a pile of blanket and asks, “where’s Waylon?” and you crane your neck and stretch up to see him. When he pushes the blanket down and says, “there he is!” you smile and giggle. It’s so cute.

You seriously love Elmo. I always point him out in your books and on videos and you smile. Papa found a video of Elmo singing about ducks and everytime you hear a quack you laugh.

Your army crawl is much more efficient. You get up on your hands and knees and kind of sway back and forth and can manage a step or two before you fall flat on your belly and go back to army crawling. Sometimes you get pissed off when you want to really take off and you get stuck.

Lately you’ve been getting fussy right before bedtime. I don’t know why. You absolutely hate having your clothes changed. It’s been so hot lately I just put you in a diaper at night now. During the day you just wear pants because your knees are getting red from all the crawling. You really dislike diaper changes and will NOT sit still long enough for me to put one on you. Then you get pissed when I keep flipping you back over so I can get the damn thing on. 

I can see the faint white of your teeth under the surface of your gums but nothing has erupted yet. I got you baby Oragel natural teething tablets and you eat them like candy. Can’t tell if they help but they are homeopathic so why the hell not. I also got you an amber teething bracelet that wouldn’t fit around your chubby ankle so I put it on your wrist. I can’t really tell if that helps either. 

You love kitty, kitty loves you. He likes to snuggle up against you. You don’t like his fur tickling your face. You really really don’t like it when Bibi licks your face, which happens anytime your face is within reach of her tongue.

Mommy had ordered some bed rails online to put on the bed but mommy and daddy had a huge fight and he ended up taking the bed down and putting it on the floor (finally, after talking about doing this for weeks). It worked out great because now we have a mattress on the floor in the bedroom and the foam topper in the office for you to play on.

mommy's birthday

@ your 6 month checkup

We were kind of worried about how you would handle your 6 month shots because last time you suffered. I truly believe it was because the vaccine didn’t fully spread and some of it oozed out of the injection site. This time mommy made sure she rubbed the spot really good. You screamed for a minute, but then calmed down and even smiled at the nurse as we were leaving. I hate to see you in such distress but you are such a good boy, you calmed down pretty fast. We gave you a little bit of Tylenol right before the shot too. 

The doctor said you were a very healthy boy. In the 95^th % for height and 50^th % for weight. You have had no illnesses or anything other than constipation, which the doc told us to give you Karo syrup for. I don’t like the idea of giving you high fructose corn syrup but I did some research and gave it a try and it seemed to help. I just don’t want to give it to you all the time. You need to adjust to pooping on your own. Mommy got super organized and finally put your info together in a binder so we can easily keep track of all your shots and health information. I was kind of worried about your left eye seeming to cross inwards but the doc said that was normal part of developing eyes and it would only be a concern if they were going outwards, not inwards. Since then, I’ve noticed that your eye isn’t crossing noticeably anymore.

mini-me

You look so much like me. Everyone says you take after me and I agree although there are many things you take after your dad too. But mostly it’s me. But there are things you do that are from me, too. Mannerisms that you couldn’t have possibly learned by watching, it must be genetic. You yawn exactly like I do, opening your mouth in a O shape, scrunching your nose, and then the exhale sigh. It’s exactly like mine. The way you look around scrutinizing is also from me. The “worried” look is also mine, even if you aren’t worried. Your chuckle – huh huh huh huh is also mine. You also still do some things you did inside my belly, like the finger scratching which you do when you are nursing to sleep.  

crawl baby crawl

So close to crawling. You can lift your butt up in the air better, and your army crawl is stronger. You like to crawl towards the pack n play, and get yourself stuck in the corner staring at the wheel. You’ve been pretty constipated since starting on solids so we are trying to help you with that by prunes, prune juice and backing off the bananas. I’m so sorry we made you constipated cause I can tell its tough on you. I also got you some teething tabs which seemed to help with the teething. I might make you some herbal chamomile tea too. Yesterday was father’s day. We didn’t really do anything cause he wasn’t feeling good (he drank a lot of whiskey the night before). I got him a fishing pole, some shorts and t-shirt. I took you to the grocery store, you like to look around from the sling then you pass out and I finish shopping. When you wake up you get squirmy and then it gets frustrating to shop. I’ve been bathing you in your inflatable duck bathtub and you seem to enjoy it. I worry about you going underwater so much.

I love waking up with you in the morning. Your sweet little face is so cute, your eyes open wide and you smile so happily to see me. When I put you down for naps when you are cranky and tired, you are so eager to nurse to sleep you get a bit frantic. Sometime you laugh, sometime you whimper. You just can’t wait for me to whip out the boobie so you can suck and pass out. One time you actually gigglesnorted as you latched on, making me laugh. When you are really tired, you pass out almost instantly. Sometimes you are restless and you kick your legs and scoot your body upwards and I have to drag you back down by your leg. I think we are giving up all hope of transitioning to your crib. You still really enjoy bouncing like crazy in your jumper. Papa wants to get you a walker but I think it’ll be a waste because our place is so small and most of it is carpet. There’s really nowhere for you to walk to. I’ve been saying Hi to you a lot and one time it seemed like you were trying to say Hi back to me. You are very interested in books.

zits, boo-boos, & no poop

A lot over the weekend. Kim came to visit. You smacked your face into tub on Friday night and got a small cut and black eye. Momma gave you your first haircut on Sunday. Saturday we noticed 2 front teeth and the gums around your bottom canines looked red and sore. You had a small zit on your forehead. You are pooping better now since you’ve gotten more milk and less oatmeal/bananas/sweet potatoes. Momma gave you kiwi, prunes, garden veggies and mashed cauliflower with turmeric (and a smidge of butter). You liked prunes & cauliflower, but I hope it doesn’t give you gas, we’ll find out today I guess. You are so much more aware now; you look around for us when you wake. You try to wake papa up in the morning, turning over to him and smacking him. You were a bit fussy Sunday and you slept a lot, napping every 2-3 hours. I love you more and more every day, you are so cute. You laugh and giggle all the time, even when you are sleeping. You always crack a smile whenever you hear “papa’s gonna get your annuities!” You love bath time, watching the dog and playing with the cat. You don’t mind the cat biting you softly. You smell so sweet, like lightly sour milk. I love to kiss you. You like to play choo-choo when I lay you on your back and peddle your legs. You think sneezing is funny. You love to go outside, yesterday you were mesmerized by the heavy rain out on the back patio. You actually stop and smell the herbs momma puts under your nose now. It’s so cute to see your eyes focus on nothing while you use your nose to smell.  

routines & stuff

You are growing by leaps and bounds. You can almost crawl now. You have been army crawling for a couple weeks, just dragging yourself a few inches at a time. Now you are lifting up with your arms and lifting your butt up in the air. All you need is a little more coordination and you will be mobile. I think within the next 2 weeks you will be crawling. No teeth yet, and some days you drool a lot, some days you don’t. No diaper rashes yet. No colds or other sicknesses. You nurse to sleep still but when you are done nursing; you flop back and conk out. You like to have your little legs elevated and spread out. Sometimes you like sleeping all cuddled up in the blanket, something you want to be spread eagle with nothing covering you. Yesterday I gave you half of a kiwi and you loved it, you are trying to chew but you don’t have teeth so you end up gagging on the chunk of food you can tear off with your gums. For the most part, we give you purees but lately momma’s been slacking on making them for you so I have some store bought baby food for you too. Next week we will go to the WIC office and get checks for baby food. 

You absolutely LOVE bathtime now. You talk to the water when it comes out of the faucet. You like to take your hands and put them in the stream of water. You grab your toys that float (especially the cloth crab, your favorite) and chew on them. I sit Indian style with you in my lap while you reach out. Sometimes I lean you back and your lower half floats in the water a bit and you kick your legs. Usually right before bathtime I take you for a walk around the neighborhood, then right after your bath you go to bed, usually sometime between 7-8 pm. You get cranky after bath time, I don’t know if it’s because you don’t wanna go to bed or you just hate being lotioned and dressed. Well, I know you hate being dressed. Oh you can really put up a fight now. You will shake your head violently and kick your legs. It’s cute. Sometimes you will wake up and wail a couple times at night if I’m not in bed with you. Sometimes you will wake up and scream bloody murder. I’m hoping you will take to sleeping in your crib but I doubt it.

I took you to church this past Sunday and put you in the nursery. I was nervous and having separation anxiety. You cried so hard, when I came back a few minutes later you were crying and whimpering and it broke my heart. I had to nurse and soothe you for a while before you would calm down. You were so upset. I whispered in your ear that papa was going to get your annuities and you smiled. We left church early, there was no way I was going to put you through that again.

memorial day

We went to visit Paula. She bought us tickets to a movie and babysat Waylon. We saw what to expect with Rena. Waylon did really good for first time being babysat. My mom did not show up. You had a big zit. Mama put natural medicine and Breastmilk on it. You been kind of fussy, teething most likely with a bit of constipation.

cutie toot

Pootie-toot you are growing so fast. I’ve been taking all kinds of pictures of you and some videos and posting them to your facebook page for your nana and friends to see. You are just so damn cute it’s unbearable. Sometimes I just want to suck your cheeks right off your face. This morning you woke up with me before work and I got to suck on your face a bit, which was great. You smile but otherwise don’t seem to really care for the face sucking. A few days ago we were French kissing because everytime I kissed you, you stuck your tongue in my mouth. Before, you would suck on my lip. It cracks me up when you suck on my lip and go cross-eyed looking at my face.

home depot grannies

Well your new favorite thing now is sticking your tongue out and blowing raspberries. You do this especially fervently when you are protesting something, like being put down, being put in the car seat, being in the car seat too long, being in the sling too long, etc.

We took you to Home Depot yesterday (you’ve been to this store about a dozen times already) and I was wearing you in the sling. An older lady who worked there named Anita came over to us to see you like a moth to a flame. You were irresistibly cute peeping out from the fabric and looking at her shyly. I could tell she was a grandma (and she confirmed this) and wanted to play with you. We chatted a bit and you began to smile at her and at the same time fuss at being in the sling (it was hot in there) so I took you out. She immediately wanted to hold you so I handed you over.

You must have some kind of granny pheromone because the both of you just lit up with joy. You were touching her face and smiling and giggling, and she was loving it. She asked me if you had a grandmother in your life and I told her the situation which she was sad about. It is a shame. Chris and I explained to her a little bit about what happened and she felt bad for you. But she said anytime you wanted to visit a granny, we could bring you to that Home Depot! LOL. I love the way you interact with some people. You usually smile but I always expect you to fuss but instead you surprise us all by being delightful and cute. Your shy guy smile is too cute. But when you smile really big and laugh, it melts hearts. You enjoy looking at other people and to my relief, like being held by other people too. Or maybe it depends on the person, maybe you can sense their level of comfort with babies and that relaxes you. I hope this means you will do good and enjoy daycare because I want you to have that interaction.

You started to get cranky towards the end of the day and I decided to put you down a bit early. It took forever to settle you down to sleep, but you didn’t cry, you just squirmed and grunted and hummed to yourself a lot. As you were getting closer to sleep, you blew raspberries on my nipple.

momo

This week has been lots of stuff going on. I brought home the kitten, which went surprisingly well. Mama was very busy at work so I was afraid all this would be too overwhelming but things went OK. Your papa and I had one big fight this week. But as usual, we made up. We both agree that we need to stop fighting and treat each other better for your sake and I hope that we can. He’s made a lot of changes and we both have more to make. I’m trying my damndest to understand and support him. Anyways, this is about you and not him so let’s get to the fun part.

So, yesterday mama and papa had an absolutely delightful new experience with you. I was holding you up to the mirror because you like to look into it. It makes you smile and laugh. I usually smile really big and say, “who’s that baby??” and you think it’s a real riot. This time I stuck my tongue out at you in the mirror. And to my complete amazement, you stuck your tongue out back at me. I was totally thrilled. We stuck our tongues out at each other over and over. Then your papa came into the room and I showed him what you did and he was so impressed that we took you over to the bed and played stick your tongue out over and over. And you really did it!! You stuck your little tongue out as far as you could and smiled really big. You even tried to copy us blowing raspberries. I swear there is nothing cuter than you sticking your tongue out. We just couldn’t stop getting you to do it, but eventually you got tired of it.

You notice the new kitty and have reached out for him but he doesn’t quite grab your attention like Bibi does. You do think his soft fur is ticklish, though.

mother's day

 Yesterday was my first Mother’s Day. It was raining all weekend so it was a very sleepy lazy day where we mostly slept and sat under the back patio roof and watched the rain. It was nice. You sat in your swing and listened to the raindrops quietly. You were pretty interested in the rain. You just love being outside, and that makes me happy. I want you to love being in nature and feel how comforting it is. I used to look up at the sky and feel comforted. I love the rain and thunderstorms. The only weather I don’t really like is wind. Too much wind is annoying. Anyways, we relaxed all weekend and took some pictures. I spoke a while on the phone to my sister and Kim. I hardly talk on the phone anymore. We took a couple of videos of you laughing while being tickled, and playing with Bibi. You are fascinated by the dog, and laugh at her antics. I hope having a cat doesn’t become the worst idea of the year.


You really like it when I carry you around in the sling I made. You sit on my hip and look around, peeping out from under the sling. If I take you to the grocery store, you are looking at all the veggies and meats but then quickly fall asleep once I start going up and down the canned foods aisle. You think the “bboop!” noise at the checkout scanner is funny. You are getting better at riding in the car, but you still have your limits. I wonder how you will do in an airplane?

This weekend you ate avocados and really liked them. I also made you oatmeal with bananas and a pinch of cinnamon. You were very interested in the graham cracker I was eating so I let you suck on it. I think you will love graham crackers. Papa cooked me a nice mother’s day dinner – filet mignon wrapped in bacon, asparagus with balsamic dressing and baked sweet potato. This is one of my favorite meals, and it was delicious. Your papa tries hard to be a good daddy and a good partner with what he has and I really appreciate that. Other times he’s a complete dickhead. We still love him. You love your papa very much, I can tell. Sometimes you only have eyes for him. In your sleep, you reach out and touch him. Only he can make you laugh so hard you choke. I think you are a lucky kid to have a mom and dad who love you as much as we do. When you cry, we come running. We make sure you are comfortable, happy, and interested in something. We take you places and show you new things. We show you off to everyone with pride.


I love how eager you are to nurse. When we were all lying in bed, your papa held you hovering over my boob and your little mouth opened and you craned your neck and tried to stretch yourself closer to me, aiming your mouth at my nipple, your eyes on the prize. It was too funny. I love it when you fall asleep at the boob, drunk on milk. Sometimes when that happens I can take my boob out of your mouth and see your tongue still curled up where my nipple was. I love the slightly sour milk smelling breath you have. When I kiss you, you suck on my lip, and we end up sucking each other’s faces. You keep your little eyes open and fixed on my eyes, and then both of us go cross-eyed.

Crawling is going to happen very soon. You can army crawl a few feet and turn yourself around. You can go forward but not backward, which really pisses you off when you get stuck in a corner. You refuse to sit still during a diaper change. Oh yeah, that reminds me…the other day you shat on me! I was letting you air out after a diaper change. You had pooped a small nugget. I let you lay there for a sec, then I picked you up and stood you on your feet. I was sitting Indian style on the floor, holding you steady, when I felt hot wetness on my foot. I look down and there was a steamy pile of poo and you were peeing on me. Your papa was in the kitchen and all I could do was say, emergency! Emergency! Your papa had to take the blanket you were on outside and hose it off. You and I went straight into the bathtub. Daddy thought it was funny and that I deserved it. I hope you poop on him next.

mayfest

This past weekend we went to Mayfest  in Carrolton, Ga. I made it a point to mention that I wanted to take you there several times in the days before so that your dad wouldn’t prevent us from going by being a lazy slacker and then using ignorance as an excuse. I digress. So we drove there, which was about a 20 minute drive, and you were good. We listened to country music on the way, which is your favorite. We got there and parked right away in a parking garage and walked right into the square where they had built a nice new amphitheatre. There were a bunch of people on stage playing drums and bongos and a bunch of people in front of the stage dancing to the music. We sat on some really green and new fake grass. You scowled around, looking at everything around you in your usual contempt. We were having a good time and enjoying being out. Then we walked along the streets to look at the different booths. There were sponsor companies handing out free stuff like pens and notepads. There was a bunch of booths selling pottery and artwork and baby clothes and plants. There were also booths that sold fried foods like funnel cakes and ribbon fries. We got a funnel cake (at the very end).

It was hot as hell that day and we were rotating you from the stroller to the sling. I had to fan you and hold the fan so the top of your mostly bald little head wouldn’t fry in the sun. You were pretty content and happy most of the time, although you do get tired of being in your stroller and a few times I think you got overheated. Luckily, mama packed a special treat for you – frozen nanners and strawberries in your mesh teether and you LOVED it. When we sat down on a curb under a tree to cool down I decided to nurse you because you were a little bit fussy. Your papa didn’t want me to, but I did. After a little while longer, you got really tired so we decided Mayfest was over. We all had a good time.

Your papa finally finished building the roof over the back patio and installed the swing that we got for you. Now it’s really nice to sit out back and you really like your new swing. The face you made when we first pushed you in it was hilarious, your eyes got wide and your mouth stretched back like “wwoooaah!” Your papa and I got a good laugh out of that. But once you got used to swinging you were all smiles.

You are much more mobile now, and I think you are well on your way to crawling. I’ve seen you practice by lifting your butt up in the air and curling your legs up under your body. You just can’t seem to coordinate your arms with your legs to go forward. You are also practicing chewing, which is funny because the food we feed you is totally pureed. But you smack your lips and chew your food anyways. Mama’s going to get you those dissolvable puffs to practice eating with. We need to buy you a high chair soon. Mama did buy you some books though; a couple of the hard cardboard ones with sesame street characters and a couple of soft Elmo bathtime books. Oh yeah, and you like to watch bubbles, just like me. Your eyes are still a deep blue, with a bit of green and/or brown in the center. I wonder what color they will eventually be….

You seem to have a new thing now before you will fall asleep. I don’t know what it is but you really cry for several minutes as I’m rocking you to sleep. You just won’t settle down without a bit of a fight. I play the country station on the clock radio and rock you in the glider, holding you against my chest with your legs wrapped around my tummy and you just shake your head back and forth, scrunch your little face up and fuss. Luckily, after a few minutes you pass out. Then I move you onto the bed and lie next to you to nurse you in case sleep doesn’t take. Then I tuck you in and sneak out of the room. You usually sleep soundly without a peep for 20 minutes to an hour. If I’m gone too long you can sense it and you will wake up screaming so I try to go back and lay with you before that happens. For the first time ever last night I laid you down while you were still fussing and you soothed yourself to sleep, halleluiah. I’m hoping we can start using your crib for you to sleep in cause we are paranoid about you rolling right off the bed now.

It looks like we’ll be getting a new kitten here shortly. One of the guys I work with came over to my desk and showed me pictures of 3 black & white kittens that he was giving away. So I asked your papa what he thought and I figured he would say NO but he wanted a new kitty! So we went over to David’s house out in Winston to look at the kittens. We met David’s wife, a very nice lady, who used to work in a pediatricians office. She held you and loved on you and you were so happy and loving the attention. This was surprising to me because it was a bit past your bedtime and you were fussy. But you were an angel with her and she just adored you. Anyways, we picked out the mostly white kitten with the blackish-brownish patches and the black tail. We are thinking about naming him Moriarty. Moe for short. We’ll probably end up calling him Mo-Mo or moo-moo. Anyways you weren’t all that interested in the kitten, although you did reach out to touch him.

You know what cracks me up? Anytime my boob is within range of your head you try to latch on. It doesn’t matter what position I am in, or you are in. If I’m not paying attention and I happen to be topless, I find myself suddenly nursing you! It’s like you are a little magnet to my boob. I love you.

still no sleep

Last night was not so great. You woke up at 2:30 and were crying a bit. You were fussy before bed, too and I think it was from teething. Mama is so tired today, I didn’t get enough sleep. Your papa got mad at being woken in the middle of the night so we fought and I decided to just get up and get ready for work at 4:30. I hope you went back to sleep and had a good day today. Mama loves you.

walmart shopping

Yesterday after work I took you to Walmart in hopes that you would sleep the entire time because you needed to nap and I needed to get stuff. You stayed awake the entire time, nodding off briefly right before I checked out. I thought for sure you’d get cranky on me but you didn’t. I took you down the toy aisle because I’ve wanted to get you some new toys, especially this one ball-like toy that vibrates and makes funny noises but the thing is made of hard plastic and pretty heavy and I think you would just end up hurting yourself. You sat in your seat largely unimpressed by the stuff in the toy aisle until we got to Rockin’ Elmo. When I pushed his buttons and he began to move and sing, you actually cracked a smile.

Mama got you some bubbles. I always loved bubbles and I have a feeling you will too. You did seem pretty interested in them when I blew some next to your pack n play later that day. You did not go to bed until past 8 pm, which is unusually late especially since you didn’t nap much. You have this new thing now where you screech and yell and generally behave like a monkey when it’s naptime. It’s cute. Go ahead and wear yourself out, little bugger. As long as you sleep through the night you can swing off the chandelier for all I care. The next things I am going to get you are a high chair and maybe a bumbo. I’m also going to get you some soft toys and a mirror.

raspberry

At some point over the weekend you discovered the joy of blowing raspberries. You do it with such emphasis, too. I think you are partly entertaining yourself and partially expressing your disdain and contempt for whatever irks you at the moment. This, in addition to your gallery of scowls and your newly found penchant for screeching/yelling, makes you quite a caricature. 

To me, it’s hilarious to see the various looks you make. The only face that I can’t bear for long is your genuinely sad face. It breaks my heart. Yesterday I saw that look when your papa and I were yelling at each other over some stupid banana smoothie that I was making for you. I put a little bit of milk in it and he flew off the handle about it and made it seem like I was ignorant and trying to kill you. Nothing pisses me off more than that because out of every single person on this planet, there is nobody that cares for you more. You got frightened and upset because he was holding you while yelling at me, then he set you on the floor face down which made you cry harder. I decided to just end the evening right then and soothe you to sleep. We took a bath and I nursed you in bed, which you fell asleep almost right away. It took you a second to calm down and that made me angry at Chris even more. 

It’s not fair to you to suffer the consequences of us not getting along. I realized that he will never change. We will never be peaceful and happy with each other, no matter how much we try. I can only take so much crap and he’s not used to being a normal person.  I’m afraid there’s no future for us as much as I want and have been trying to make it happen. Mama is exhausted; mentally, emotionally, and physically. None of this is your fault or even your problem I just want you to know why and what happened instead of hiding it from you.